by Donald Trump
Y’know it’s been a big year for me. One year ago on Christmas Eve, I was trash tweeting about Crooked Hillary, the failing NY Times and their third rate reporters, Dishonest Chuck Todd and overspending Jeb Bush. Now that I am the president elect, I can talk about the real issues.
Santa is definitely not real. I can tell you as someone that has been debriefed by the CIA, he’s not real.
When I first met with John Brennan he tried to tell me about the nuclear arms situation in North Korea but I said, “we’ll get to that John, first get me on the phone with Santa Claus” (I was pretty sure Santa wasn’t real but I wanted to be positive). So it turns out Santa isn’t real. Now the question is, how do we avoid discussing this with our children?
I didn’t really talk to my kids until they reached the double digit years, so it was kind of easy to avoid talking about Santa Claus. Donald Trump Jr. was the first to start asking questions about Santa when he was seven. He’d say, “daddy daddy, why does Santa bring me suits every year? And how does he know what size I am?” When your kids start to ask questions like this, just stick to the lie and repeat it constantly. In this situation, I reassured Donald Jr. that the suits were from Santa Claus and not from China, as it said on the tags.
If you are looking for advice on how to talk to your kids about Santa, you have come to the right place. I’m the best liar. Who else is a better liar? I have the best lies, ask anyone. Sure Pollyfact-fiction says I lie every one minute and 40 seconds, but they are liars and you can’t believe anything they say. I’m te best, I’ve told huge lies and I always get away with it. Really, ask anyone. No one has better lies than me.
Kids usually find out about Santa not being real because of certain mistakes by the parents. There was one time when Melania got hulk hands for Barron and he saw me wearing them in front of a mirror. For weeks, I couldn’t take those hulk hands off. I wore them around the office, the house, everywhere. Christmas came and I didn’t want to give the hulk hands to Barron. I argued with Melania for hours then finally took the hulk hands off and gave them to Barron as a gift from Santa. He’s a smart kid so he probably figured out that they were the same hulk hands I wore. I had to tell him Santa wasn’t real after that, but he had to find out sooner or later. Five years old is as good a time as any.
Another year, I tried dressing up as Santa to surprise the kids but they saw my golden hair sticking out of the Santa wig. That ordeal was a real disaster, I’ll tell you. My hair got stuck to the Santa wig and Melania had to cut it out. She couldn’t get the wig off so we started shouting at each other. The kids were all crying because they thought mommy was attacking Santa with scissors. That’s when I learned it’s not a good idea to wear two hair pieces at once.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter if your children find out that Santa is fake. I told my kids Santa Claus was fake when they were all young, I got tired of some imaginary fat guy getting credit for all the Christmas presents. Sure the kids would cry and cry, but I’d put Trump steaks on their plates or in Tiffany’s bowl, and everything would be better.
Before I go, I just want to wish you all a very MERRY CHRISTMAS. After I am president we will all be saying a lot more Merry Christmas and no more of the happy holiday crap. Because when I am the president, I can sign an executive order and make you say Merry Christmas. I have spoken. And now I will tweet that, too.
President Elect Donald J. Trump has communicated his true feelings about Santa through Nyack High School graduate and aspiring comedy writer Alex Weigel.