Chronicles of Parenting: You Might Think This is Funny But it’s Snot

If blowing your nose or even wiping it quickly with a tissue takes entirely too much time away from playing, here are some other ways to address – or, not address – the nasal emissions brought on by cooler temperatures.
(Note: This post could induce nausea in even the least hygienic adults. We recommend reading this with vomit bucket nearby.)

1. Let gravity do its thing! Just let it drip down your upper lip like a beautiful waterfall of germs.

2. Smear it across your cheeks with the back of your hand. It’s like un-festive face paint and it hardens like cement.

3. Blow it onto the sleeve of your shirt. Why carry a tissue when you’re basically already wearing one? So convenient.

4. Take it off your face with your hand and redistribute it to:

• the couch
• the wall
• the carpet
• the bed sheets
• or best: Mommy’s pillow

5. Run toward Mommy and pretend to give her an extra-loving and cuddly hug then secretly wipe your leaking face on her shirt.

6. Enlist fingers. Excavate. Start a collection.

7. And most importantly: Who needs a garbage can when your mouth is so much closer?

Caveat: The above practices are guaranteed to keep you sick twice as long and also infect everyone in your life.

Freelance writer and author Jocelyn Jane Cox reports on the Great State of Parenthood with advice you never knew you needed and the chuckles you know you really need every other week in the Chronicles of Parenting. Her 2012 humor book on life in the New York suburbs, The Homeowner’s Guide to Greatness: How to handle natural disasters, design dilemmas and various infestations, is available on Amazon.com. Follow her on Twitter at @JocelynJaneCox.

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