Trump To Buy TZ Vista
GOP Presidential Frontrunner to Build 60 Story Condo in Nyack
Nyack, April 1 — Those protesters who said “No To Six Stories” for the proposed TZ Vista development in Nyack have finally won the war. Real Estate Tycoon Donald Trump has announced a deal to buy the former superfund site on the Hudson, freeing the village from the possibly of an onerous six story building on the waterfront. Instead, Donald Drumpf Builders, the construction arm of Trump Enterprises, will build a 60 story “TZ Trump Tower” on the Hudson River.
Anti-TZ demonstrators were all in on the new ownership and new direction. “I like what he’s saying. We need somebody who’s aggressive,” said one Trumpet-eer. “No pussy-footing around here in Nyack. We need someone like The Donald who gets right to The Point.”
The liberal media immediately questioned the height, the view shed, the appropriateness of the structure, the materials that have been proposed for the construction, publishing 27 8×10 color glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each photo detailing the northwest corner, the southwest corner…not to mention the aerial photography. Still, supporters were undeterred.
“He doesn’t need anybody’s money. He doesn’t need lobbyists. He’s a self-made billionaire,” said another supporter. “Why would we question anything he wants to do? They used to say that what’s good for GM is good for America. Our new slogan should be: What’s good for The Donald is good for The Village.”
TAP: Nyack’s Transportation Alternative Program
What’s a crunchy village to do when asked to come up with an innovative plan to help an already Prius-overpopulated town show off its green cred? That was the challenge for Nyack’s Transportation Alternatives Program committee. Sure, wider sidewalks and bike paths might do for your Ridgewoods and Rhinebecks, but if you really want to shrink your carbon footprint to a woman’s size 4, you need to think outside of the box, while considering how to recycle that box and turn it into greenhouse gas free energy that won’t harm any test animals and will free all of the whales at Sea World. Here are a few of the innovative ideas the committee has TAPped out:
- Ultimate Cross Town Thrill: Main Street traffic got you down? Gravity can help you beat the Nyack’s rush hour traffic with the new 5th Ave Bypass / Zipline from 9W to the river.
- Turn the steeple of The Nyack Center into a blimp mooring, providing a ferry free, train and toll free, bus-not alternative to suburban commuting
- Transporter beam
DoViNy: Realtors Rebrand The Village
In the spirit of trendy NYC neighborhoods that have adopted nicknames like BoCoCa (Boerum Hill, Cobble Hill, Carroll Gardens) and WiNo (Williamsburg North), the cool place to live in the center of official Left Of The Hudson will be rebranded as DoViNy (Downtown Village of Nyack). The catchy moniker will be used to refer to the .25 mile multi block area bounded in the North and West by High and Franklin Streets and the in the east by the 1962 Lincoln with the tiger tail tied to the rear view mirror and the “Feel The Bern” bumper sticker. It’s a neighborhood which represents the area’s hip yet warm vibes, its artisanal yet tie-dyed roots, mixed with its older “you kids get off of my lawn” natives.
Realtors are also testing several other nicknames as part of the “old wine in new bottles” marketing approach. These include Hotel Hill for High Street near Exit 10, NoNye (Upper Nyack) NoBridge for South Nyack.
A Truly Comprehensive Plan for Nyack
Every ten years Nyack’s best and brightest spend countless hours deliberating a detailed master plan tailored to be enshrined in Village Hill where it will remain untouched for the next decade. In addition to the standard Comp Plan specs for building heights, street widths and sturgeon counts in the Hudson, this year’s plan takes the “comprehensive” directive to a new level.
- During daylight hours in odd years, objects must either remain at rest or continue to move at a constant velocity, unless acted upon by a force. This codicil is only enforceable on the second Tues during months with 31 days.
- Forks should be limited to four tines.
- Don’t wear white after Labor Day.
Today In April 1 History
- 2015 Thruway, South Nyack Sip to New TZB SUP Plan
- 2014: Amazon to Introduce Drones To Nyack
- 2013: NRA To Buy Naming Rights For New Tappan Zee Bridge
- 2012: Nyack Rebrands As “Jen Of The Hudson”
- 2011: New TZB Completed Ahead of Schedule, Under Budget
- 2010: Nyack Independence Day