Chronicles of Parenting: 6 Reasons to Never Cut your Kid’s Fingernails

by Jocelyn Jane Cox
Are you tired of fighting the fingernail (and toenail) battle with your kids? Here are six reasons why you might just want to give up:

1. There is a high chance somebody’s going to get hurt. Your own mother probably taught you to never run with scissors, right? Well, you should probably never have them in your hands around wild, wiggling children either.

2. Personal hygiene is so over-rated and apparently somewhat dangerous. Scientists have been trying to convince us that germs are actually good for our kids, as far as building antibodies and immunity. Just think of all the germs they can carry around tucked under those extra long nails.

3. Hey, if you want your child to make it into the Guinness Book of World Records for nail length (and who doesn’t want this?), you better get started early. This isn’t just 15 minutes of fame…we’re talking about a lifetime (maybe even centuries) of grossing people out.

4. It would be nice to get some help with all those scratch-off lottery tickets you’ve been buying lately. Word has it that college isn’t cheap and many hands (and fingers) make light work.

5. You know that itch you can never reach, right in the middle of your back? With a little guidance, and ridiculously long nails, your child can become your own personal back scratcher. Relief can come in small packages.

6. Leave it to the professionals: if you still want to get the job done, and can’t seem to get it done yourself, there are these places called nail salons all over the country. And kids seem to have an uncanny reverence for things that aren’t free.

Freelance writer and author Jocelyn Jane Cox reports on the Great State of Parenthood with advice you never knew you needed and the chuckles you know you really need every other week in the Chronicles of Parenting. Her 2012 humor book on life in the New York suburbs, The Homeowner’s Guide to Greatness: How to handle natural disasters, design dilemmas and various infestations, is available on Amazon.com. Follow her on Twitter at @JocelynJaneCox.

The Chronicles of Parenting are sponsored by children’s performer, Danna Banana, who plays “music for kids that parents can stand.” He’s written for Disney and Nickelodeon and played the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. For parties, songwriting, or to learn more about this composer, performer, and Nyack resident, go to DannaBanana.com. Or DanCohenSongs.com.